My Current State Of Mind

Once in a while, it is time for reflection and evaluation of what has been achieved and what has been lost; for being honest and bravely admitting my brokenness, and acknowledging my courage to pull the pieces together. Seek The Unique is dedicated to my journey to becoming a better version of ‘me’ but sometimes, there are obstacles on the way which bring me down – for a moment, I would stop fighting, I would become my old ‘me’ – with a little bit of sadness, and a lot of unwillingness to move forward, choosing to go with the easiest path.

No matter how positively I try to look at the world, it is inevitable to slip into negativity from time to time. Emotions are hard to restrain, and mine have been trained to take control in uncertain situations. I would let them do so, and then regret it, and get deeper into those depressive thoughts. It is time, thought, to put an end to the self-pity, to the regrets, to anything that brings me down. I will not regret or apologize for being who I am, or feeling the way I feel.  I simply am the way I am. I simply feel the way I feel, and I am under no obligation to be or feel elsehow.

Repeat: I am under no obligation to be or feel in a way projected by the others.

It takes time to get over something that bothers me, and this is fine – I have made an incorrect assumption, I have gotten hurt and I have healed. For some, it takes a day, for others it may take years, we are not supposed to judge. The only person who has the full right to be judgmental is me, and I was – because losing myself trying to get close to somebody else was not the right thing to do if I want to achieve my goals. This is simply not who I want to be, I do not want to be that woman.

My goal is to enjoy the life I am given, and to do so, I must accept this life as it is – with all of its losses and pains, with letting go of happy times and special people, as hard as this can be. The truth is, the world has become a place of the temporariness, and I must learn to keep up with its pace. Otherwise, I will be always behind, holding onto something which no longer exists. I am 22-year-old, living and studying abroad, having no certain plans to stay at one place, and as much as I hate to admit it, many of our relationships – be those romantic, friendship or work-related, will last only a moment. Some of them will come to an end, others will transform into something else, and very few will truly survive.

My heart still has a difficulty of accepting this, because I want something stable, I want something that will last, I do, I really do.

I want to remember but maybe it is better to forget – it is impossible to erase my memories (which I would never ever do as they are structure of my being who I am) but I must learn to let the good times become a memory, to turn them into a place which I leave behind, and stop trying to visit again.

I do have something stable, though. I have ‘me’ and moving on with my life means focusing on my long-term goals by pursuing my current objectives.

What I keep reminding myself, is: concentrate on what will matter in five years from now.

It is fine to feel hurt, or to get annoyed, or to feel lonely, but do not let yourself be distracted, Iliyana. It is not fine to waste time being lazy and depressed because those feelings, as well as any others, will go away but the outcomes of your work will remain. The memories made with friends will stay. The conversations with new people will bring new ideas. Visiting new places will create new inspiration. I will quote my favorite saying: “In three words, I can sum up what I have learned about life: it goes on.”

No matter how much I want to go back to the places I have been just a couple of months ago, those places and those people are gone. Life has gone on, and so have we.

The only questions of significance are: What did I learn? Do I enjoy the place I am right now, and if not how can I change it? What am I doing to enter the next stage of my life prepared and full of confidence and joy?

For a few weeks, I slipped and lost my peace of mind. I rejected the thought about moving on, and I felt less of myself. Now, I am working on keeping the pieces together, and finding the missing ones. I feel less confident which reflects on my communication with people – they are not allowed to ‘see’ me, to get to know me, therefore, I only show them the ‘shallow’ side which protects me of getting engaged and attached – one more thing to work on, getting over the fear of being hurt again. I enjoy real communication, and in fact, I miss it in my everyday life which is why I concentrate so hard on the ‘what has been’.

My goals are set, and yet they are a bit diffuse; therefore, difficult to achieve. I need a plan in order to keep track of the successes and the failures, because in the current moment, I do not have a clear picture of where I stand and where I want to go. Probably, this adds to my feeling insecure about myself, because the negatives pop out and overshadow the good things, which certainly exist: I might not be working as I planned, but I do help at my father’s company (thud deserving to a certain extend my parents’ financial support), give Finance tutoring to students in need, and put some effort (not enough but still, some) into developing my brand for poetry and the corresponding platform for unique gifts. I have started eating clean and going to the gym more regularly which patiently pays off.

And most importantly, I have forgiven myself for being down and not wanting to continue fighting which is the first step forward.

Take that step whatever it costs, and whenever you feel ready. Pushing yourself into doing so may help but forcing – will never. Can you notice the slight difference? If you make the effort to move forward, at a moment out there, you eventually will feel it, but if you force yourself, a part of you will stay behind, which will make you incomplete.

Think about what truly matters, and what will have an influence over your life in a couple of years. Think about truly matters for you; where you stand and where you want to go. You are Unique and under no obligation to be elsehow.

PS. Do not hesitate to share your #UNIQUE story in the comment field!


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